Wednesday, December 02, 2009
the faithless

i'm a realist, not an idealist. i think twice before i act. i weigh costs and benefits. i'm seldom impulsive. the times i act on my feelings, i invariably get hurt. i should stick to the script, stick to my character. think more, and feel less.

faith has brought me this far. i wonder how much further it can bring me. the wrongs i did never fade away; i can't remember a thing i did right. 'i'm sorry' rings hollow. it means nothing. not even when it is meant. not even when it comes from the bottom of the heart, wherever that's supposed to be.

forgiveness doesn't come. guilt pricks and it slices. always pushing to the brink, but never over. it loves the torture. the tears well up but they never do overflow. and till it dries they well up again. and again. and again.

there's no greater deceit, than to oneself. i'm a liar. a great, big liar.